A new study reveals something incredible about chronic diseases. Scientist have discovered that more sugar, not less, may be the answer to our nation’s morbidity and mortality problems.

“We are now encouraging food manufacturers to boost the sugar content in their products,” said head researcher, John Malt. “We think we have discovered that the answer to heart disease, diabetes, obesity and premature death; more sugar and sugar products in our processed foods will have a positive effect.”

For year, nutritionists around the world have been suggesting tactics for reducing our sugar intake. This includes institutional shifts like incorporating more whole foods and fewer processed foods in school lunch programs, decreasing the availability of sugary drinks, and even imposing a sugar tax. But Malt and his team disagree.

“They’re all wrong,” Malt states. “The more sugar, the better.”

The American Healthcare Consortium released a statement about these new findings: “We were surprised by the data, but we love the solution. If we can encourage all Americans to consume more sugar, we may come out the other side, just like a black hole.”

Other proponents of the research include Maroon 5, in promotion of their hit song, “Sugar.”

“When it comes to sugar,” says lead singer Adam Levine, “we say, ‘Yes, please!'”